


If It Never Had A Name

by theundeadsiren (rhoen)



Series: RickRen short fics/drabbles [3]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Related Artwork, Wordcount: under 1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 08:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2263266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/theundeadsiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything ends, Rick just didn't want it to be like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Never Had A Name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thebadmoonsrising](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=thebadmoonsrising).
  * Inspired by [If if never had a name](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/71598) by thebadmoonsrising. 



> Please check out [the amazing artwork](http://thebadmoonsrising.tumblr.com/post/96785795957/if-it-never-had-a-name-by-the-undeadsiren) by [thebadmoonsrising](http://thebadmoonsrising.tumblr.com/) that this was written for <3

**You may not take this fic and edit or reupload it - in whole or in part - without my express permission. This includes translations.**  
***[thebadmoonsrising](http://thebadmoonsrising.tumblr.com) may use whichever excerpts they wish as part of any posts accompanying the art this was written for *** 

If you are reading this anywhere other than my (theundeadsiren) tumblr, AO3 or livejournal, then please [let me know](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/ask/), including a link to where you found it, so I can take steps to have it removed. For a list of people given permission to use parts of my works, please see [here](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/permission).

Thank you for respecting my wishes

* * *

 

Rick couldn’t sleep, not after what had just happened. Beside him, Ren was breathing slow, steady breaths, blissfully unconscious. Rick envied him. Perhaps soon tiredness would overtake him, and he could fall asleep as well, and wake up in a few hours to find that this had all been a bad dream.

Ren had always been special to Rick. He’d never had to explain it – not really. By the time they were both in high school, a firm ‘ _he’s alright, we’ve been mates for years_ ’ quelled any question as to why Rick still bothered speaking to the weird, scrawny kid who had as much aptitude for sport as Rick had for needlecraft. He’d never really thought back to why they became firm friends in the first place; it had just happened. He had liked being around Ren, and Ren had liked being around him – that was how friends were, right? Only, Rick knew that friends weren’t the way he and Ren were now. A lot had changed between them since primary school, yet nothing at all. It had been such a natural progression of their friendship that Rick hadn’t even questioned it. He knew others weren’t like this, but it was Ren; it was okay. The physical side was just a reflection of the deep connection that had always existed been between them.

Rick wanted to hate Ren; he wanted to blame him. He tried to feel anger towards what he’d had done, but it wouldn’t come. He wanted to feel something simple, something that he understood. He wanted to fight against the terrifying fact that he was scared. Rick was petrified.

What had happened between them had been like a game, something fun and with easy-to-understand rules they had both played by. Until now. Ren had gotten into art college. That didn’t change much at all – Rick had always known in the back of his mind that Ren would move away to college or university, he just hadn’t focused on that fact. What had torn everything down were those quiet, devastating words Ren had breathed against Rick’s neck as they’d held each other in a tight embrace: ‘ _Come with me?_ ’.

His quiet promise of ‘ _we’ll see_ ’ was such a noncommittal answer, but Ren had accepted it. Perhaps he’d known all along that the answer could never be anything other than ‘no’. They had rarely talked of the future. Friends grew apart – they both knew that – and they were just friends. They never dared admit that either of them wanted to share more of their lives together, because that would break the unspoken rule about what this was between them. As Ren fell asleep, Rick wondered if he’d even meant to ask. Perhaps it was just a slip of the tongue, some stupid half-asleep fantasy. But even if it was, the damage was done. Ren’s words had broken the fragile foundation that their whole game was based upon. Without it, there was nothing left but the painful, ugly truth – they loved each other.

Rick couldn’t go with him. His life was here, in Roarton, a place they had both always known Ren didn’t belong. Rick had hoped their feelings would fade: Ren would move away, they’d grow apart, things would be okay. If it never had a name, it wouldn’t hurt to lose it. He had never wanted to acknowledge that there was more than just friendship between them – even if they both knew there was – because he knew he was going to lose it. He was weak. He was frightened. He was afraid of losing the one thing he knew he was never going to be able to keep. Someone else out there would love Ren. They would be good for him in ways Rick never could be. Someone else out there had a future with Ren, and no matter how desperately he wished for it, Rick knew it wasn’t him.

He felt naked; lost. The charade was shattered, and time seemed to be pouring through his fingers so fast he didn’t know how to stop and catch it. He would lie next to Ren as he’d done countless times before, but now knowing he was counting down to that final day. Each touch, each kiss, would be one closer to the last, each one closer to the end. Rick could feel the pain of it growing already. It wouldn’t hurt so much if Ren hadn’t admitted he wanted Rick to go with him. He felt awful. He felt miserable. He felt ashamed. He had never meant to love Ren; he had never meant to admit it, even to himself. He wasn’t supposed to be this way, but it was far, far too late now.

He could never stay by Ren’s side.

He had to let him go.


End file.
